Friendships can be among the most important relationships of our lives, but if you’ve drifted over the years, can you salvage them? Lynne Hyland asks the experts how to get back in touch, and stay there.

We might hope that friendships last forever, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Whether it’s due to distance, busy schedules or personal challenges, people we were once incredibly close to can easily slip out of our lives. One moment, we’re studying, working or even living together, the next they’re names we only see on Facebook. Deep down, we might wish things were different, poring wistfully over old photographs, feeling a pang of regret we don’t even fully understand.

“It’s natural for women to feel a real pull towards certain types of old friendships,” explains psychologist Dr Meg Arroll, author of Tiny Traumas (drmegarroll.com). “The ones that trigger the strongest emotional response are often the friendships we make when we’re going through life’s firsts: school, university, career and becoming a mother. The feeling that you’re in it together creates a powerful connectivity. Those experiences and learnings you shared have helped to shape you into the person you are today, and that leaves a strong emotional trace.”

Choosing to rekindle old friendships can be truly life-affirming, believes Dr Arroll: “This is especially true with people you share values with. You drifted apart, but now you’ve come into another chapter of your life and you think, ‘You know, I really miss this person’. You may have been on very different journeys in the meantime, but your values will still be the same. So when you connect, it feels like you haven’t even spent a day apart.”

But before you message everyone on your social media, be realistic: this is real life, not a sitcom. Research has shown that we only have capacity for five close friends and 15 good friends at a time. “The friendships to rekindle are the ones that were particularly close,” says Professor Robin Dunbar, Professor of Evolutionary Psychology at the University of Oxford, whose now-famous research found we can sustain a maximum of 150 social relationships simultaneously.

All our excuses boil down to one thing: fear of rejection. “It’s a very powerful in-built evolutionary mechanism,” says Dr Arroll. Here’s how to reframe and overcome those barriers.

This guilt here is unnecessary, says Dr Arroll: “It’s natural for friendships to ebb and flow. We’re quick to blame ourselves, but has the other person contacted you? No. My advice is to let go of the guilt, appreciate that you’ve been busy and so have they.” Chances are, your friend feels bad, too, and will be delighted you’ve made the first move.

Firstly, it’s not your job to provide a one-way stream of entertainment, and secondly, just relax. “Generally, you will have things in common because of your shared experiences,” says Dr Arroll. “There’s also amazing research into the mental-health benefits of nostalgia, showing it buffers against depression and stress. I’d say it’s beneficial to test out your relationship, and see if it works now. If not, that’s okay. You only have room for five close friendships, and it just means you have space for someone else to fulfil that role.”

If a friend has been through grief, illness or redundancy, never assume it’s a case of ‘too little, too late’ if you get in touch now. “Any kind of contact is usually very well received when someone’s been through a hard time,” reassures Dr Arroll. “Coming back into their life with an apology is about us feeling guilty. What people usually want is someone to listen to them and be there for them. So a simple open question like, ‘Hey, how are you?’ is enough, then let your friend lead the conversation. Feeling heard is one of the strongest forms of social support, and it really binds people together.”

There’s no right and wrong on this one. “These days, calls can seem quite intrusive on people’s lives,” says Dr Arroll. “So something, like a text, or a direct message, can give the other person time to think about whether they want to respond. But it’s your friendship, so if you feel comfortable picking up the phone, do it. Simply performing that action of reconnection is the important thing,” adds Dr Arroll.

Social media does, in theory, make it easier, but it needs to be a direct message, says Dr Arroll. Merely putting a comment on an old friend’s post leaves the onus on them to get in touch, and it’s not even clear that’s what you want. “Also, we only tend to show the best side of ourselves on social media, when real lives are messy,” adds Dr Arroll. “Someone may look at our profile and think, ‘She’s doing so well, I don't want to contact her because I don’t feel like my life is like that.’”

An activity-based meeting can help both of you feel safe. “It avoids the fear response that’s triggered when we’re sat in front of another person, staring at them,” advises Dr Arroll. “An activity you’ve shared before is good, as it will trigger that sense of nostalgia. Or it can be as simple as going for a walk. When our vision is face forward, not looking directly at each other, it allows us to talk more openly.”

That said, the classic option of meeting for a coffee or a quick lunch isn’t a bad one. “Food and drink offers us a bit of a barrier so we can feel safer,” says Dr Arroll. “Bringing along old photos can be a really good conversation starter, too.” If you were part of a wider group, consider inviting others along for a mini reunion. “There’s no pressure in that group setting, even if you discover you don’t have the same connection you once did,” says Dr Arroll.

According to Professor Dunbar, the very closest friends need to meet at least once a week, but you don’t need this level of intensity to maintain a renewed connection. “I believe it’s very much about quality, rather than quantity,” says Dr Arroll. “Rather than thinking, ‘I need to call every single week’, it’s better to just find times when you can meet for a few hours and have a meaningful conversation.” In between those times, look for small ways to stay connected, from sharing funny photos to posting thoughtful social media comments, rather than a lazy string of emojis. “Just those tiny things really keep a thread of friendship alive,” says Dr Arroll.

Lynne Hyland is beauty editor at Good Housekeeping and Red, and a qualified nutritional therapist.