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Grand events: small scale. When it comes to the big moments you really want to remember, making it intimate and personal is the way forward, says journalist Kate Finnigan.
There’s nothing like a big party to mark a special occasion. A huge wedding, a glitzy birthday, an awesome anniversary, a sparkling bat mitzvah… Who doesn’t love those starry, save-the-date calendar events where everyone you know is going to be gathered in one room to drink, to dance and to look at, to appreciate and celebrate you, you, YOU?
Whispers: Um, me.
It’s true, I don’t. But don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a big party girl in my time. I’ve thrown extra parties, loved my Dress-To-Kill-themed 21st birthday bash and my 120-guest wedding and had a blast at many, many huge and shiny events, both for work and for pleasure. I love the excitement of getting ready for a big party, the sensory overload of lots of people in one room, familiar faces mingled with unfamiliar. They can be a riot. One of the best times I had last summer was at my friend Anna’s 50th, where she invited a huge crew of friends and family to a bar and hired a hilariously brilliant ’80s cover band who kept me dancing all night. So, believe me, I am no party pooper. But when it was my turn to be 50, at the end of last year, I didn’t go big, I went small.
It seems I’m not alone. Intimate venues, garden set-ups, flexible dress codes and casual dining. Many of us are swapping big, formal events for the bite-size versions. Maybe it’s the economic climate, maybe it’s the habits we started to break during the pandemic, but the micro-celebration – a smaller, perhaps sweeter scale of partying – is having its day right now.
For me, I felt like a party with everyone I knew from the many different friend groups I have would be overwhelming and too much pressure. So, I decided to put all the pressure on my dear sister, instead, and got her to host an upscale kitchen party for me: champagne, candles, balloons, a color theme (pink-and-ink), lots of flowers and a bespoke playlist of my favorite hits. We found a chef who would deliver a set menu for 12 on the evening and I invited my family, boyfriend and a few friends who live very locally. I wore long black velvet and my daughter did my make-up. I had the most brilliant time. Not one millisecond of stress.
Increasingly, I’m hearing a lot about at-home and garden-party weddings, the desire to keep things personal and intimate in a more domestic setting. That doesn’t mean dull. Because you can make any environment feel special with even the simplest of sparkly touches. My friend has a birthday in January and for the last few years has thrown a tiny garden party for around 10 people. He orders in pizzas, strings lights around the garden and lights a fire pit. It’s super easy but the lights and the fire pit are features that make the evening memorable.
The micro can also roam away from home. A friend, Carole, recently attended a wedding blessing in Suffolk, UK (the nuptials completed a month before, in a registry office). Rather than a swanky venue, the couple hired a cottage with a pool and vacationed there for a week with his two daughters and her son.
On the Saturday, they hosted a sit-down dinner in the back yard for 20. Some guests vacationed nearby, others made a weekend of it, and some lived near enough to come for the day.
“The bride’s mother had made four huge lasagnes in advance,” says Carole. “Everyone pitched in, mixing cocktails or salads or setting up the table, while the kids played in the pool. Then we changed into glitzy outfits and came out for dinner. It was one of the most relaxed, fun weddings I’ve ever been to. Candles on the lawn, flowers the kids had picked on the table, a hand-written note on every plate. The ‘blessing’ was a series of toasts by the guests… so we were rather merry by the end.”
Further afield, a couple I know got married in Las Vegas earlier this year. One of them is British, the other American. “We didn’t want to ask lots of people to fly long distance and spend a great deal of money on our wedding, it just didn’t seem right,” says Bethany. Instead, the two brides threw all their budget into a wedding party for the sum total of four (including them). They wore the most fabulous clothes, hired a high-end make-up artist and a brilliant photographer. With popcorn, champagne, sunglasses and the lights of Vegas behind them, it looks like a wedding from a Sophia Coppola movie.
Likewise, my cousin, Ellen, had a very small but ritzily international 40th last year. She and her husband left the kids with grandparents and flew to Miami to join three friends who live Stateside for four nights of fun at Soho Beach House. They went out to restaurants and had a spa day and a pool day.
“It was all easier to organize than a big party for 100 and a very personalized experience, as well as a celebration,” says Ellen. “When you’re a bit older and have done kids’ birthdays, maybe a wedding, another big party can feel like a bit of a chore to organize and maybe too much pressure. It’s also super expensive for just one night. And while this wasn’t cheap, it was much more than a party – it was an experience that allowed me to unwind and to reflect on the moment a little more.”
And isn’t that the point? To mark the occasion meaningfully. Quality over quantity. Spending more time with fewer people. Feeling joy, not stress. Remembering that sometimes small is more beautiful.
Kate Finnigan writes about fashion, design and culture for publications including the “Financial Times”, “HTSI”, “The Observer” and “The Gentlewoman”.
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